We leave Honduras today with mixed emotions. In some ways these have been the shortest two years we've experienced, and in other ways the absolute longest days on record. :) We've come a long way since moving here in 2011 and I'm feeling so much unexpected gratitude for that today. Half of our marriage was lived out here; some of our most precious moments together as a couple with a few of our most hopeless mixed in there, too. Our first daughter was "Hecho en Honduras" and born during this time. Leaving Chicago two years ago, who'd have thought we'd return a family of three? Ilona has been such a bright light in our lives these past 6 months. Also, I've been stretched personally in ways I cannot even begin to understand yet. And professionally we have had such uniquely challenging and rewarding experiences, which I'm sure we will continue to learn from for the rest of our careers. We now have friends literally all over the world. Our Honduran friends have affirmed their love for us by simply reminding me that we will always have a home here with them and in their hearts. We feel the same. Our international friends are moving all over the globe and will likely continue for sometime, making any future travel plans I have up my sleeve just a bit easier and more exciting. Saying goodbye to our new friends, who became family to us the past two years, proved to be a heartbreaking thing. It frankly, sucked. But they say something here: nos vemos: we will see you. I think I prefer that to adios: go with God. There's something more open ended and promising about nos vemos. Of course I pray and hope for God's continued protection and provision for my friends, but nos vemos gives me hope for the slightest chance of a Honduran reunion. So that's what it has to be. Nos vemos.
Now as our return home awaits us by only hours, I'm left in the wee hours of the morning with only my thoughts. I've been asked essentially the same question from different people, and I'm still striving for an answer. "What are you hoping for in this next change?" The most obvious answer, of course, is to be reunited with friends and family, introducing Ilona to everyone and just picking up where we left off. That's sure to happen to some degree, but I also realize we are different, I am different, and you are different, so there's going to be a learning period where we adjust to the new reality of life in the States.
The more hidden answer to that question, and one that I don't completely understand yet, is that I want to stay "changed" by this experience and never forget anything. The good and the bad I want to hold in my heart, accepting the things I've heard, seen and felt as a part of my journey.
I want my heart to remain soft for people, and to continue spending it on behalf of others no matter the cost or sacrifice to myself. I want to enter in to the deep, confusing emotions of leaving a place that I somehow hate yet love so fiercely, and just accept that that's my experience. It's complicated and that's okay.
I always want to see people and look in their eyes. It was a challenge to drive or walk past so many hurting people living on the street where we lived, so much so that I thought many times how much easier it would be to cross the street and walk on the other side. After all, did the pocket change we give actually make a difference? I'm not sure. I did see, though, how even smiling to greet people and looking into their eyes does in fact seem to make a difference. Validating someone's humanity is part of how, I believe, God calls us to love others. We didn't "do" enough here to help people, and I think that's probably always going to be true. We'll never "do" enough, but that's not our mission. Jesus came to love and to "do" and His sacrifice was enough. That frees me to give all that I have and all that I am, whatever that looks like in the moment and in each particular life season, to just loving others. Loving with our words and actions. I think for me that means I need to always look for opportunities to love others and then go after them with a soft and willing heart. I need to always make eye contact, first and foremost, even when it's awkward and uncomfortable. I always need to give when asked. Jason and I decided to give whenever someone asks of us, and it's incredibly freeing. It's not our job to judge the request or ensure the person is deserving. When asked, we want to always give and to give joyfully. That's what we're striving for as one way we can commit to always loving others.
I have been allowed a lot of time here to consider how I want to mother Ilona and how we want to grow our family of three when we're home. Living internationally has broadened our perspective of family and widened our understanding of the world, and we want to remain changed by that. I want Ilona to always know she is fearfully and wonderfully made, just like the rest of God's magnificent creation- the wildlife, trees, animals, other billions of people. I want her to know deep in her soul that she is loved unconditionally by her parents and her Heavenly Father, but that she is a small part of God's eternal picture. I'm not sure how to raise her in a world whose message is overwhelmingly, "me, me, me". "Put yourself first". "Look out for your family only". "You better provide for yourself well both now and in the decades to come, because no one else will." I think these messages reject the Word of God. "Be anxious for nothing". "As I have loved you, so you must love one another". " The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want". We want to learn more how to be in the world, but not of it and raise Ilona in the same way. I think it comes down to your heart, "for where your heart is there your treasure will be also". And so, I hope for the future that our hearts grow more in love with God and that out of that abundance we can give freely of ourselves to others and to the world around us- both near and far.
This is an overwhelming day. Leaving and Coming. I have had some closure, but it seems I still have more questions than answers. I have to learn to be okay with that. I can't wrap this experience up neatly, something I'm very uncomfortable with, so I have to leave my heart soft and mind open for how these short two years in Honduras will continue to change me and my family. I'll keep my eyes open. Nos vemos.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
thoughts on mothering
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."
i'm almost certain that charles dickens did not write this quote from The Tale of Two Cities in reference to parenting, or even more specifically to mothering. that being said, for me, it encapsulates so much of my experience in these short few months so far. you can see from the dichotomy of comparison (best/worst, light/darkness, wisdom/foolishness, everything/nothing) that mothering is like nothing you'll ever experience. there i go again... comparing. mothering is like nothing i have experienced. dickens even explains why we so often seek to compare, when our experience is so far outside of our understanding and present reality, that we must compare to stand any chance of making sense of it all. for me, the comparing hits hardest when i'm in the worst of times, the darkness and the moments of despair and when i feel i have nothing in me that prepares me for this unbelievable task.
and then there are the other-worldly moments of Light, belief and hope...those are the best of times. the giggles you hear in response to something you did, or to nothing explainable at all. the smile that takes over her entire face as you engage with her in the simple, everyday moments. the deep eye-locking gazes she blesses me while nursing that remind me how much better relationships can be when we just stop, pause and really look at someone else.
i have found myself thinking and often even saying, "this is the absolute hardest thing i have ever done...i don't think i can keep on keeping on". how many times can i utter those shameful words for them to retain their meaning?
i have had the unique and treasured experience of staying home with Ilona these past 3 and half months, with few other distractions to keep me from just learning how to mother her and love her with my entire being. today, as i watch my daughter peacefully napping beside me, i am reminded mostly of the incredible moments of complete and unexplainable joy that i have felt in these best of times. when i'm not wallowing in my feelings of loss, selfishness and complete exhaustion, i can see Ilona for what she is. a gift that i have begged years for. a light that already reflects the beauty of all that is Good in this world. a new person in my life who will likely teach me more than i can even realize about how to live well and how to love others.
maternity leave is almost over and my heart is heavy. how do mothers separate from someone who has so captured a piece of their heart they didn't even know existed? i have watched many mothers in my life do this painfully, yet with grace. i know i have said it before, and i will likely say it again, but i think leaving Ilona to work will be the hardest thing i have ever had to do.
i'm almost certain that charles dickens did not write this quote from The Tale of Two Cities in reference to parenting, or even more specifically to mothering. that being said, for me, it encapsulates so much of my experience in these short few months so far. you can see from the dichotomy of comparison (best/worst, light/darkness, wisdom/foolishness, everything/nothing) that mothering is like nothing you'll ever experience. there i go again... comparing. mothering is like nothing i have experienced. dickens even explains why we so often seek to compare, when our experience is so far outside of our understanding and present reality, that we must compare to stand any chance of making sense of it all. for me, the comparing hits hardest when i'm in the worst of times, the darkness and the moments of despair and when i feel i have nothing in me that prepares me for this unbelievable task.
and then there are the other-worldly moments of Light, belief and hope...those are the best of times. the giggles you hear in response to something you did, or to nothing explainable at all. the smile that takes over her entire face as you engage with her in the simple, everyday moments. the deep eye-locking gazes she blesses me while nursing that remind me how much better relationships can be when we just stop, pause and really look at someone else.
i have found myself thinking and often even saying, "this is the absolute hardest thing i have ever done...i don't think i can keep on keeping on". how many times can i utter those shameful words for them to retain their meaning?
i have had the unique and treasured experience of staying home with Ilona these past 3 and half months, with few other distractions to keep me from just learning how to mother her and love her with my entire being. today, as i watch my daughter peacefully napping beside me, i am reminded mostly of the incredible moments of complete and unexplainable joy that i have felt in these best of times. when i'm not wallowing in my feelings of loss, selfishness and complete exhaustion, i can see Ilona for what she is. a gift that i have begged years for. a light that already reflects the beauty of all that is Good in this world. a new person in my life who will likely teach me more than i can even realize about how to live well and how to love others.
maternity leave is almost over and my heart is heavy. how do mothers separate from someone who has so captured a piece of their heart they didn't even know existed? i have watched many mothers in my life do this painfully, yet with grace. i know i have said it before, and i will likely say it again, but i think leaving Ilona to work will be the hardest thing i have ever had to do.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Grandma "Lita"
Ilona, Jason and I were beyond blessed to spend the last couple of weeks with my mom, now lovingly referred to as "Lita" (short for Abuelita, aka: Grandma, in spanish). From their first moments together Ilona and Lita were two peas in a pod. We made so many wonderful memories together this week! Grandma and Baby bonded. We went to the beach. Mom stayed up all night cuddling little Ilona so Jason and I could get some uninterrupted sleep. We ate like kings and didn't have to wash a single dish. We visited some of the comforts of the city, "the bathing suit lady", Crown Plaza Pool, Power Chicken and City Mall to escape the 100 degree heat. Here is a snapshot (literally) of our first time together as Mother, Daughter and Granddaughter. We love you Mom and are so very grateful for your sacrificial love!
The magic touch
Lita and Ilona bonding time
Pool Day
Playing with my Lita
3 Month Appt with Dr. Hawit
The magic touch
Lita and Ilona bonding time
Pool Day
Playing with my Lita
3 Month Appt with Dr. Hawit
Monday, February 11, 2013
a sunrise
i hope to never think about 6 am the same again. since Ilona is often up in the wee hours of the morning to feed, God put it on my heart to want to watch a sunrise with her while staying at Maya Vista hotel in Tela this past weekend. the plan was simple, if she was up anytime between 5-6 am, i would walk the several flights of stairs up from our room to the "mirador" viewing rooftop deck of the hotel. like clockwork, she was up at 5:45, so i tiredly shuffled up the stairs just in time for one of the most beautiful sunrises i have seen, and what turned out to be a very intimate moment with my daughter, of which the memory i'll treasure the rest of my life.
we quietly sat, she eating and i taking in the sights and sounds of a typical sunday morning in honduras. imagine stray dogs skipping down the otherwise quiet streets. roosters beginning to wake up their masters (and everyone else for that matter). a cool breeze off the bay. waves crashing on the shores. a light mist settling on the peaks of the tropical mountains lining the southern wall of the region. and the soft glow of the sun beginning it's trek above the eastern peaks in the distance. the sky turned warm shades of reds, pinks, and purples as i anticipated the arrival of the day. i fixed my gaze on the mountain peak where the brightest of lights was beginning to crown, when i heard (far away, don't worry!) another familiar sound in honduras. a few short and fast gun shots. my attention was immediately torn from the miracle God made in the daily sun rise about to reveal itself as i turned away in search for the source of the disturbance. i knew i wasn't in danger 10+ stories about street level, yet i still wanted to find out where the shots came from. fortunately my curiosity wasn't so strong that i missed what Ilona and i had woken up for and climbed those stairs to find, our first sunrise together. i turned just in time to see the beauty of the light that took over the sky. a brightness that invited all of tela to awaken for the day. an ever-constant reminder that God's mercies are new every morning. a sunrise.
isn't that just like life? as christians we are commanded to fix our eyes on the author and perfecter of our faith. the beginning and the end. the prince of peace. the light of the world. jesus, the son of God. a simple sounding command, but one so quickly forgotten. i am distracted. that morning by a gun shot, but most days by things even less demanding. unread emails, a sink overflowing with dishes, facebook, my own worries. and even the "good things" i know God would find pleasing to Him, if only i would fix my eyes and my heart on Him alone. all i need to do is keep looking at the Son. keep my eyes fixed on the light of this world and all else will fall into its rightful place. the Son is where i'll find peace in times of trouble, wisdom in times of uncertainty and the grace i need for each passing day.
today's devotional from Jesus Calling expresses what i felt in my heart sunday morning as i was overwhelmed by the truth of God's promises and love for me and Ilona.
"My Peace is like a shaft of golden Light shining on you continuously. During days of bright sunshine, it may blend in with your surroundings. On darker days, My Peace stands out in sharp contrast to your circumstances. See times of darkness as opportunities for My Light to shine in transcendent splendor. I am training you to practice Peace that overpowers darkness. Collaborate with Me in this training. Do not grow weary and lose heart."
"In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." -John 1:4-5
"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." -Hebrews 12:3
just keeping looking at the sun...
we quietly sat, she eating and i taking in the sights and sounds of a typical sunday morning in honduras. imagine stray dogs skipping down the otherwise quiet streets. roosters beginning to wake up their masters (and everyone else for that matter). a cool breeze off the bay. waves crashing on the shores. a light mist settling on the peaks of the tropical mountains lining the southern wall of the region. and the soft glow of the sun beginning it's trek above the eastern peaks in the distance. the sky turned warm shades of reds, pinks, and purples as i anticipated the arrival of the day. i fixed my gaze on the mountain peak where the brightest of lights was beginning to crown, when i heard (far away, don't worry!) another familiar sound in honduras. a few short and fast gun shots. my attention was immediately torn from the miracle God made in the daily sun rise about to reveal itself as i turned away in search for the source of the disturbance. i knew i wasn't in danger 10+ stories about street level, yet i still wanted to find out where the shots came from. fortunately my curiosity wasn't so strong that i missed what Ilona and i had woken up for and climbed those stairs to find, our first sunrise together. i turned just in time to see the beauty of the light that took over the sky. a brightness that invited all of tela to awaken for the day. an ever-constant reminder that God's mercies are new every morning. a sunrise.
isn't that just like life? as christians we are commanded to fix our eyes on the author and perfecter of our faith. the beginning and the end. the prince of peace. the light of the world. jesus, the son of God. a simple sounding command, but one so quickly forgotten. i am distracted. that morning by a gun shot, but most days by things even less demanding. unread emails, a sink overflowing with dishes, facebook, my own worries. and even the "good things" i know God would find pleasing to Him, if only i would fix my eyes and my heart on Him alone. all i need to do is keep looking at the Son. keep my eyes fixed on the light of this world and all else will fall into its rightful place. the Son is where i'll find peace in times of trouble, wisdom in times of uncertainty and the grace i need for each passing day.
today's devotional from Jesus Calling expresses what i felt in my heart sunday morning as i was overwhelmed by the truth of God's promises and love for me and Ilona.
"My Peace is like a shaft of golden Light shining on you continuously. During days of bright sunshine, it may blend in with your surroundings. On darker days, My Peace stands out in sharp contrast to your circumstances. See times of darkness as opportunities for My Light to shine in transcendent splendor. I am training you to practice Peace that overpowers darkness. Collaborate with Me in this training. Do not grow weary and lose heart."
"In Him was life, and the life was the Light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." -John 1:4-5
"Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." -Hebrews 12:3
just keeping looking at the sun...
viaje a tela
this past weekend we took a huge step and traveled with Ilona for the first time. jason's friend eric is in town visiting and working at a local hospital, so we wanted to show him a nicer view than the cement wall out his bedroom window ;) tela is one of the northern coastal towns and very popular for sampedranos and our teacher friends. the city is small and safe, right on the bay with picturesque views of the lush, tropical mountain ranges to the east, south and west, and the crystal clear tela bay fed by the beautiful caribbean sea.
we started our trip at Lancetilla Botanical Gardens, just outside of Tela off the main highway between San Pedro and La Ceiba. It is the second largest tropical botanical garden in the world! We didn't think it through in terms of the best season to visit, and realized part way through the tour that our experience would be much different during the "summer" months. It was still an incredible experience, but after a few explanations from our tour guide Eduardo that went something like this, "IF you were here in September then you would be able to sample the fruit from this tree", or "IF it were September you'd be able to smell the sweet scent of the flowering ornamental tree from Brazil". Get my point? Winter is much different here than in Chicago and there was still a lot of beautiful green to look at, but the trees were lacking both their fruit and their flowers. Still a good experience and we're proud to say we're the first foreign hires (that we know of) who've taken the trek out there.
next, we headed to a highly regarded hotel, maya vista, at the top of a hill in downtown tela. it certainly lived up to all the recommendations. it's a tower designed hotel, with only 9 rooms that spiral up the building, one room per floor. the hotel offers an incredible bay view and access to a private balcony. there is also a restaurant that serves delicious food and a tranquil setting. we stayed in their apartment/suite, with more than enough room for the four of us. we'll definitely stay again and would recommend it if you're in the area!
sunday morning we headed to honduran shores plantation for a relaxing day at the beach. it's a very nice resort (a little out of our price range), but it's the perfect choice for a day trip. they have a pool, well-maintained private beach, covered picnic table areas called "champas" and a delicious menu! jason and i have only ordered one item each from their extensive menu each time we've visited since we love the conch soup (J) and chicken fajitas (S) so much! it felt good to be able to travel independently and with our car so that we could come and go as we please. jason drove both ways of the 1.5 trip along winding roads covered in potholes the size of truck tire and amidst what can only be described as race car-like driving conditions. he rocked! ilona did a wonderful job sleeping in the car and playing in the water. i'm more and more convinced we have a sun-tan loving, beach babe, swimmer on our hands. i couldn't be prouder ;)
all strapped in and ready for her first road trip
can you believe how much "stuff" we now need for an overnight trip?!1
playing with daddy before bedtime
enjoying dinner overlooking the water
the view from the top floor "mirador" of maya vista at sunrise
loving the beach and my new hat
and of course the pool!
we started our trip at Lancetilla Botanical Gardens, just outside of Tela off the main highway between San Pedro and La Ceiba. It is the second largest tropical botanical garden in the world! We didn't think it through in terms of the best season to visit, and realized part way through the tour that our experience would be much different during the "summer" months. It was still an incredible experience, but after a few explanations from our tour guide Eduardo that went something like this, "IF you were here in September then you would be able to sample the fruit from this tree", or "IF it were September you'd be able to smell the sweet scent of the flowering ornamental tree from Brazil". Get my point? Winter is much different here than in Chicago and there was still a lot of beautiful green to look at, but the trees were lacking both their fruit and their flowers. Still a good experience and we're proud to say we're the first foreign hires (that we know of) who've taken the trek out there.
next, we headed to a highly regarded hotel, maya vista, at the top of a hill in downtown tela. it certainly lived up to all the recommendations. it's a tower designed hotel, with only 9 rooms that spiral up the building, one room per floor. the hotel offers an incredible bay view and access to a private balcony. there is also a restaurant that serves delicious food and a tranquil setting. we stayed in their apartment/suite, with more than enough room for the four of us. we'll definitely stay again and would recommend it if you're in the area!
sunday morning we headed to honduran shores plantation for a relaxing day at the beach. it's a very nice resort (a little out of our price range), but it's the perfect choice for a day trip. they have a pool, well-maintained private beach, covered picnic table areas called "champas" and a delicious menu! jason and i have only ordered one item each from their extensive menu each time we've visited since we love the conch soup (J) and chicken fajitas (S) so much! it felt good to be able to travel independently and with our car so that we could come and go as we please. jason drove both ways of the 1.5 trip along winding roads covered in potholes the size of truck tire and amidst what can only be described as race car-like driving conditions. he rocked! ilona did a wonderful job sleeping in the car and playing in the water. i'm more and more convinced we have a sun-tan loving, beach babe, swimmer on our hands. i couldn't be prouder ;)
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
delighting...one at a time
What do I delight in? Depending on the day that question is both a challenge or an invitation. Living in Honduras presents countless challenges in day to day life, making it often difficult to delight. This question is such a great a reminder from my husband, who loves me so much that he takes time from his day (everyday) to encourage me and refocus gaze. This question was his idea. Here goes...
- I delight in my relationship with Jason. It’s fun, quirky, evenly-matched, adventuresome, comforting, admonishing, encouraging, persevering and so full of love.
- I delight in my daughter...her smile, the way her face lights up when she locks into my gaze, her sweet baby smell, her soft skin, her strong legs, her long fingers and her beautiful blue eyes
- I delight in quiet afternoons together- just me and Ilona. We take walks, play, nap and snuggle...those moments are quickly becoming some of my favorite
- I delight in friends who have chosen to be like family to me...committed to our friendship for the long haul, always faithful and constant and so sooo much fun!
I delight in my family. It’s loud and large and sometimes quiet and calm. We are in each other’s lives more than any other family I know, too much? According to me, never. - I love each memory we have made together and cherish them each uniquely. Parents, sisters, grandmas, cousins, aunts, uncles, niece, nephews, mother and father in law, sister and brothers in law, dogs, cat...i cherish them all.
- I delight in warm drinks that slowly calm my mind and soothe the tension in my body.
- I delight in games, cards, board games, interactive games, all kinds...but especially when I win.
- I delight in the look on my students’ faces when they learn something new and grow more in confidence with themselves.
- I delight in falling asleep to the sound of trickling rain on our windows.
- I delight in the clean, sweet smell of candles filling the room and dim lights that glow and bring a unique sense of peace to our otherwise hectic days.
- I delight in reading something about God, and being reminded of His infinite love for His children, and realizing all the more now because of Ilona the powerful love a parent has for his/her own.
- I delight in my relationship with Jason. It’s fun, quirky, evenly-matched, adventuresome, comforting, admonishing, encouraging, persevering and so full of love.
- I delight in my daughter...her smile, the way her face lights up when she locks into my gaze, her sweet baby smell, her soft skin, her strong legs, her long fingers and her beautiful blue eyes
- I delight in quiet afternoons together- just me and Ilona. We take walks, play, nap and snuggle...those moments are quickly becoming some of my favorite
- I delight in friends who have chosen to be like family to me...committed to our friendship for the long haul, always faithful and constant and so sooo much fun!
I delight in my family. It’s loud and large and sometimes quiet and calm. We are in each other’s lives more than any other family I know, too much? According to me, never. - I love each memory we have made together and cherish them each uniquely. Parents, sisters, grandmas, cousins, aunts, uncles, niece, nephews, mother and father in law, sister and brothers in law, dogs, cat...i cherish them all.
- I delight in warm drinks that slowly calm my mind and soothe the tension in my body.
- I delight in games, cards, board games, interactive games, all kinds...but especially when I win.
- I delight in the look on my students’ faces when they learn something new and grow more in confidence with themselves.
- I delight in falling asleep to the sound of trickling rain on our windows.
- I delight in the clean, sweet smell of candles filling the room and dim lights that glow and bring a unique sense of peace to our otherwise hectic days.
- I delight in reading something about God, and being reminded of His infinite love for His children, and realizing all the more now because of Ilona the powerful love a parent has for his/her own.
prayer
Prayer has been a tricky thing for me. I am deterred to pray because of the transactional type of prayers we are so often drawn to. God give me this. God heal her. God tell me what to do. Do those types of prayers honor God? That’s my greatest struggle when it comes to prayer. How am I honoring God by asking Him for anything when He has already provided so much. I know Jesus was clear about wanting us to come to Him when He encouraged the disciples, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened” (Matthew 7). I think he was referring specifically to the gift of salvation available to any who would seek it, but isn’t the principle the same? God hears the prayer of the faithful and responds. So, why do I hesitate? I wonder, am I uncomfortable with how God might respond when I ask? That leads a deeper question, do I believe in God’s goodness even amidst difficult circumstances? King David wrote in Psalm 37 that God wants to give us the desires of our heart when we delight ourselves in Him. So, when I ask in faith and out of delight in Him, won’t my desires be satisfied? Yet, I still hesitate to pray first, before I do anything and everything I can myself to control the situation and bring about the result I seek. I pray last, if at all. I’m not sure why. Some days I don’t trust the desires in my heart. Other days I doubt God’s interest in my earthly needs. And then there are the days that my unbelief crowds out my faith and I don’t trust God to even respond. It seems that through conversations with other people, sermons, books we’re reading and the day to day struggles of taking care of an infant, prayer just keeps popping up. I can’t ignore it. So, this year I would like to grow in my understanding of prayer and the application of it in my own life. I desire to pray more for my friends and family...and specifically because I have seen first hand how God answers prayers. I just don’t always think He’ll answer mine. I hope to be so practiced in prayer by the end of this year that it’s a natural and ever-present part of who I am and how I live. I am going to just dig in and start...today, by going to God first and expressing my insecurities about prayer and my desire to grow in this spiritual discipline. If you know of any additional resources that would help me along this journey, please share!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
learning to revel
i took a walk today with Ilona, by myself. it was the first. i was a little nervous. not so much about the safety aspect (although that’s always in the back of my mind), but more so about doing something new with her. unchartered territory is always intimidating, right? she’s been more fussy lately and the only way i can console her is to hold her--all day, all night. who’s complaining? she’s incredible, but what if she started screaming her head off on our walk and i was 15 minutes from home. what would i do then? it’s thoughts like that one that almost kept me from taking those first few steps out our front door. am i am so glad that i did. Ilona loves walks. always has. even in the womb, i knew she loved walking because it was calm her hiccups, still her kicking and give me an overall sense that she was at peace. at peace with the movement. at peace with the fresh air. at peace with the relaxed pace that walking demands. no multi-tasking, chores, or to-do lists allowed. just us (and most of the time, her daddy), outside taking in the day. what is Ilona teaching me about God? that’s my question for today. something that struck me anew today during our walk was just how at peace she is as soon as her needs are met. her needs are simple, child-like if you will. eating, changing diapers, burping, sleeping and physical touch. those are her needs as i understand them after one month together. if one of those needs is unmet for too long of a length of time, she has learned to let me know. it’s undeniable. ;) but when i am able to meet her needs she enters this state of complete relax. the tension from her body leaves. she no longer cries. she stares off. i’m not sure always what she’s staring at, so far her favorite objects are: my face, the white walls and a sparkly candle by her changing pad. she could just gaze at those objects for anywhere 5-20 minutes. happy as a clam. at peace with the world and with herself. appreciating the beauty that she beholds in her perspective, however limited, of life. this reminds me of Jesus’ teaching about faith like a child. Ilona is my ever-constant reminder of that childlike faith. as soon as she feels taken care of, her needs having been met, she is able to appreciate all that’s around her, all that’s been given to her. for an infant, i think this is her way of expressing gratitude to the Giver of all good things. this is how her faith is made real. and what about me? is it so easy for me to pause during the day and appreciate the beauty around me? do i immediately and naturally turn my face towards God and offer Him the praise He deserves? when is the last time i expressed gratitude for the innumerable ways He more than meets my needs. maybe that’s the problem. i think sometimes i forget that all my needs have already been met. when jesus sacrificed himself for the sake of me and in order to present my life pure and blameless before God, he met every need i would ever have in this life. i’m too quick to forget this. my needs have been met, hallelujah! because of Ilona and our walk i was able to pause today and give thanks for that gift. it’s a gift so good that i could thank God each and every day of my life and it wouldn’t come close to recognizing the amazing work He has done. but today, i can start. i saw today with new eyes. i even noticed for the first time the beauty there is to behold on the streets of san pedro sula. i have walked this path dozens of times in the past year and a half, but today was the first day i noticed the brilliant hues of red, oranges, yellows and purples in the trees. instead of carefully watching my steps, looking down so that i wouldn’t trip in one of the many potholes, or walk into a pile of garbage, today i chose to walk with my head lifted. looking ahead and looking up. it’s then that my heart is able to appreciate the beauty that surrounds me. and only then do i have the desire to thank the Author and Perfecter of my faith- the one who has already provided for my needs and so much more. thank you God for the gift of beauty all around us, and for especially in my daughter, which reminds us of the grace, power and majesty that you possess. may i always revel in that truth, just as Ilona revels in the faces, walls and sparkly candles around her.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
lost in translation
i have been asked numerous times what the most challenging part of living in Honduras is. the violence? the weather? the job? the lack of "niceties" that i have grown accustomed to in the states. while i have been stretched to patiently tolerate more than i'm used to in each of these areas, the true test of self has been in navigating the inefficient and unclear "procedures" of living here. from knowing how to pay bills (even the months we never actually receive a copy of the bill) with differing systems dependent on the utility company, to completing at minimum two pages of documentation for each doctor's appointment for insurance reimbursement (that may or may not be granted...again depending on something outside of my control), the day to day routine tasks have definitely presented the most challenges.
this week we expectantly awaited two milestones for Ilona. first, on monday we had her US consulate appointment where we would apply for her Birth Abroad status (eventually resulting in a US birth certificate), as well as for her US Passport. i am planning to write more in detail about the steps we have needed to take in order to prepare for this appointment, so for now i'll give you the much abbreviated version. after literally months of collecting documents, preparing paperwork and meeting with several others who delivered their babies abroad, we were still unable to finish the applications on monday during our appointment. a few of our documents were still incomplete or needing to be updated since the requirements had "changed" (or something) since our friends completed the process weeks/months ago. the most frustrating part was learning that we, and by we i mean jason, had waited in lines for hours in "el centro" to pick up Ilona's birth certificate only to learn during our consulate appointment that we had the "wrong birth certificate". we needed to have purchased a "literal" birth certificate. what? when i asked the consulate officer what the difference was, her only response was that one was "literal" and the other was not. i also asked what the birth certificate that we had purchased was used for, to which she could not give us a reasonable answer. seriously? honduras' system for registering newborns' birth records is for a new mom to wait outside in hot lines for hours in hopes to being seen that day, to ask for a birth certificate that may or may not even be accepted as a legal document. we now have to start over with the birth certificate process and will have to wait roughly another month before we can get another appointment at the consulate in hopes of completing the process. lost in translation.
our second milestone was Ilona's one month appointment today (more on her one month birthday later). we realized today a couple of things that we have previously understood and acted upon were mis-communicated (or in some cases not communicated at all). one test we had performed at her doctor's request was the "heel prick" test in the states to check for auto-immune diseases and the like. they call it "tamisaje". well, we went for her test two weeks ago and had to find the one clinic in the whole, again in "el centro", that actually performed the test. at the clinic we gave our doctor's order/prescription and paid what we knew what too much ($200), but we thought there was no other way. at today's appointment our doctor let us know that we were "gringo-typed" and charged for a full genetic work up, totaling 67 different tests. he laughed and said how unnecessary that was. you think?! still short on patience after yesterday's disappointing turn of events, i made it clear that had someone told us (or written clearly on the order form, ahem.) that we wanted to abbreviated $50 dollar version with only a mere 7 readings, we would have gladly saved the $150. seriously? lost in translation.
finally... we learned some more disappointing news at our doctor's appointment today. we have had Ilona's height statistics wrong all along- including her birth statistics. sorry grandparents who have shared this news with family and friends. sorry wells who already printed enough birth announcements to all our friends and family. we're not sure if we were given incorrect information, or if we converted the measurements incorrectly, or if our overall lack of sleep has caused us to being losing our minds- it's probably a little bit of each. the good news is we received a good report of Ilona's growth and development. it's just very discouraging to realize we have believing things about her that weren't true (and that we didn't even realize) for a month now. another, lost in translation experience.
here are her accurate and most up to date numbers:
birth: 7 pounds, 10 ounces; 19.3 inches long (49 cm); head circumference 13.4 inches around (34 cm)
10 days later: 7 pounds, 5 ounces; 19.7 inches long (50 cm); head circumference 13.9 inches around (35.3 cm)
one month 8 pounds, 6 ounces; 21.3 inches long (54 cm); head circumference 14.6 inches around (37 cm)
sorry for the negatively sounding tone to this blog, but yes, living in honduras is challenging- but not for the reasons you'd expect. i never thought that with my spanish abilities and experience with latin culture that we'd have to navigate so many "translation" type of issues. my parents told me that they have seen a change in me since living here. i'm "slower" or more calm, and much more patient. i haven't felt very patient or calm lately, but the past few days have been harder than most. good thing we have a beautiful little girl we are running these crazy errands for. it so wouldn't be worth it otherwise.
here she is at her one month doctor's appointment. she thought it was a game...no crying or anything!
and now the face that makes it all worth it
this week we expectantly awaited two milestones for Ilona. first, on monday we had her US consulate appointment where we would apply for her Birth Abroad status (eventually resulting in a US birth certificate), as well as for her US Passport. i am planning to write more in detail about the steps we have needed to take in order to prepare for this appointment, so for now i'll give you the much abbreviated version. after literally months of collecting documents, preparing paperwork and meeting with several others who delivered their babies abroad, we were still unable to finish the applications on monday during our appointment. a few of our documents were still incomplete or needing to be updated since the requirements had "changed" (or something) since our friends completed the process weeks/months ago. the most frustrating part was learning that we, and by we i mean jason, had waited in lines for hours in "el centro" to pick up Ilona's birth certificate only to learn during our consulate appointment that we had the "wrong birth certificate". we needed to have purchased a "literal" birth certificate. what? when i asked the consulate officer what the difference was, her only response was that one was "literal" and the other was not. i also asked what the birth certificate that we had purchased was used for, to which she could not give us a reasonable answer. seriously? honduras' system for registering newborns' birth records is for a new mom to wait outside in hot lines for hours in hopes to being seen that day, to ask for a birth certificate that may or may not even be accepted as a legal document. we now have to start over with the birth certificate process and will have to wait roughly another month before we can get another appointment at the consulate in hopes of completing the process. lost in translation.
our second milestone was Ilona's one month appointment today (more on her one month birthday later). we realized today a couple of things that we have previously understood and acted upon were mis-communicated (or in some cases not communicated at all). one test we had performed at her doctor's request was the "heel prick" test in the states to check for auto-immune diseases and the like. they call it "tamisaje". well, we went for her test two weeks ago and had to find the one clinic in the whole, again in "el centro", that actually performed the test. at the clinic we gave our doctor's order/prescription and paid what we knew what too much ($200), but we thought there was no other way. at today's appointment our doctor let us know that we were "gringo-typed" and charged for a full genetic work up, totaling 67 different tests. he laughed and said how unnecessary that was. you think?! still short on patience after yesterday's disappointing turn of events, i made it clear that had someone told us (or written clearly on the order form, ahem.) that we wanted to abbreviated $50 dollar version with only a mere 7 readings, we would have gladly saved the $150. seriously? lost in translation.
finally... we learned some more disappointing news at our doctor's appointment today. we have had Ilona's height statistics wrong all along- including her birth statistics. sorry grandparents who have shared this news with family and friends. sorry wells who already printed enough birth announcements to all our friends and family. we're not sure if we were given incorrect information, or if we converted the measurements incorrectly, or if our overall lack of sleep has caused us to being losing our minds- it's probably a little bit of each. the good news is we received a good report of Ilona's growth and development. it's just very discouraging to realize we have believing things about her that weren't true (and that we didn't even realize) for a month now. another, lost in translation experience.
here are her accurate and most up to date numbers:
birth: 7 pounds, 10 ounces; 19.3 inches long (49 cm); head circumference 13.4 inches around (34 cm)
10 days later: 7 pounds, 5 ounces; 19.7 inches long (50 cm); head circumference 13.9 inches around (35.3 cm)
one month 8 pounds, 6 ounces; 21.3 inches long (54 cm); head circumference 14.6 inches around (37 cm)
sorry for the negatively sounding tone to this blog, but yes, living in honduras is challenging- but not for the reasons you'd expect. i never thought that with my spanish abilities and experience with latin culture that we'd have to navigate so many "translation" type of issues. my parents told me that they have seen a change in me since living here. i'm "slower" or more calm, and much more patient. i haven't felt very patient or calm lately, but the past few days have been harder than most. good thing we have a beautiful little girl we are running these crazy errands for. it so wouldn't be worth it otherwise.
here she is at her one month doctor's appointment. she thought it was a game...no crying or anything!
and now the face that makes it all worth it
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
4 Years Later...
New Year's Eve 2008 changed the course of my life forever. Jason proposed in the most magical of ways as we took the greatest leap of faith in our lives to date. Agreeing to marry Jason was the scariest, yet best, decision I have ever made. Four years later we have had our share of ups and downs, adventures and challenges, moments of elation and deep sadness. I wouldn't change it for the world. As we ring in the new year, I look back and remember all the new years we have already celebrated together, and ahead to the new possibilities. Like a blanket of fresh white snow, the future is bright and full of hope.
Happy New Year 2013. May the days, weeks and months to come shower you with blessings and fill your hearts with grace and peace.
Here's a peek at our New Year's memories together.
Happy New Year 2013. May the days, weeks and months to come shower you with blessings and fill your hearts with grace and peace.
Here's a peek at our New Year's memories together.
Ilona's First Christmas
This has truly been a Christmas to remember. Jason and I knew Christmas would be full of mixed emotions for us this year: full of joy with our new bundle of love, and yet at the same time feelings of loneliness since we'd miss another Christmas with our family and friends. It's hard to get into the "true" meaning of Christmas amidst the distractions of the season. It's especially hard here when you combine the hustle and bustle of "doing Christmas" and 90 degree weather. I was also experiencing the last day of pregnancy, which can make even the best of intentions pale in comparison to the discomfort, pain and anxiety of what is to come. All things considered, and in order to foster a deeper bond in our relationship, we decided to practice Advent in our home this year. We read Zondervan's "Once a Day 25 Days of Advent" devotional, committed to praying together daily and drawing our hearts closer to the Newborn King. This season was a special time of togetherness and unifying our relationship more and more to each other and more importantly to our Savior, born in a manger. This season of Noel, the birth of the baby that would forever change the course of history, also brought us our very own Noelle, Ilona Noelle. She has been and will forever be a reminder of the miraculous gift of life and the miracle God wants to provide in our lives when we commit our hearts to loving Him first and following Him alone.
Some of our first Christmas memories together are:
- cooking delicious meals together
- baking, baking and more baking
- creating home-made Christmas cards
- family walks
- watching our family favorite Bing Crosby films
- enjoying Christmas Eve church service
- late nights and early, early mornings trying to figure our what our new baby needs
- family games nights
- quiet nights with glowing lights and Balsam Fir scented candles
... and my personal favorite
- many Ilona photo shoots!
Here are some of my favorite shots of our Christmas angel
Some of our first Christmas memories together are:
- cooking delicious meals together
- baking, baking and more baking
- creating home-made Christmas cards
- family walks
- watching our family favorite Bing Crosby films
- enjoying Christmas Eve church service
- late nights and early, early mornings trying to figure our what our new baby needs
- family games nights
- quiet nights with glowing lights and Balsam Fir scented candles
... and my personal favorite
- many Ilona photo shoots!
Here are some of my favorite shots of our Christmas angel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)