reflecting on thirty

yesterday was my 30th birthday. there. said it. not as bad as i thought it would be :) i realized this morning as i was laying in bed attempting to keep sleeping, which is becoming more and more difficult with this little acrobat in my tummy, that my twenties have been bookended by two very life-changing, international experiences. when i was twenty i spent the summer living in what was then the third largest city in the world, sao paulo, brasil with my dear friends, the smoaks. today i am living in the most dangerous city in the world with my darling husband, san pedro sula, honduras. interesting.

i remember distinctly being in brasil and dreaming and planning what my next months and years would bring. i was in the midst of finishing teacher's college and was hoping to teach in an urban, inner-city and hopefully international setting for a couple of years. then, i planned to sell all of my belongings, move across the world somewhere and live among the poor- loving and serving as jesus modeled for me. now, ten years later (oh my goodness!) i'm remembering and reflecting upon those hopes and those dreams. so many people challenged me and shaped who and i am and what i believe in during that short summer.

nason and eliana are/were two beautiful brasilian christians who loved jesus so much that in midst of taking care of their growing family, had enough left over to love on me, too. they gave me impromptu portuguese lessons, shared meals with me, and demonstrated in a simple, daily way how they were choosing to live out their calling as chosen ones. their hearts opened to adoption and their sacrificial work to support Action International's ministry in sao paolo, ABBA, grew. their role as caregivers to street boys soon became guardians and eventually parents. to me, everything they had was treated as a temporary blessing from god to be lavished upon others, and everything they did was intended to bring him honor and praise. i was challenged. how am i lavishing my life upon others from the overflow of your presence in my life?

ruth was another one. she was an international, at that point single, woman who had relocated to one of the favelas (slums) in the city. she ministered to children. she taught them about jesus, washed their clothes, cooked their meals, played games with them, gave them the physical, emotional and spiritual nourishment they were so craving. as i watched her give of herself so selflessly and sacrificially, the small fire burning inside me to do the same was emblazoned. "is that you jesus"? i thought. are you showing me first-hand what i can do for your kingdom as a young, single woman?

of course, i keenly watched thomas and susanna and their children carefully, day in and day out. i remember studying “a purpose drive life” and “the call” that summer. i related and connected much of what i was learning about a well-lived calling, a life lived with purpose to what i was seeing acted out in front of me each day. the ways they selflessly loved their children, without spoiling, and training their hearts to feel deeply and their souls to crave more and more of jesus. the ways they arose early in the morning to train their minds and bodies for the war they were waging against the evils of this world. the ways they thoughtfully made plans to minister to their neighbors, colleagues, family and friends, but would gracefully adapt to a change in plan or routine at any given moment when a need was presented. the ways they did the small things, like dishes and laundry, with a heart of gratitude and thanksgiving. and the ways they poured into me as a friend and eventual extended member of their family. i was changed. in many ways they acted as jesus does for each of us. adopting us into a family of faith, filling us with His love and forgiveness, and then sending us out into the world to represent Him and His ways.

those few, short months started me on a long, arduous journey. a journey in my soul to figure how god was calling to live the life he had given and to live it well. every decision, small and big, contributed to the search i was on in my heart to live in a manner worthy of being called a child of god. how would i spend my free time? with who? where would i live? the city? the suburbs? in another country? how much money should i give away? save? spend? would i marry? who? when? was it really god-honoring to bring my own children into the world when there are millions of other children in need of and waiting for a family to choose them? how should i share the love of jesus with others? through my words? my actions? my gifts of service? these questions are only some of what soon began to plague my mind, relentlessly, after my summer in brasil.

for a while, years maybe, i entertained the questions pretty regularly. i loved reading about “working out my salvation with fear and trembling”, especially since at times those questions did cause me to fear and to tremble. isn’t that what god wanted of me? after finishing college, i was already burned out from teaching “at-risk” kids, and the doubts started. was i really cut out to work with the poor? it was pretty messy. i was called names, heard my first gun-shot and wondered if the grades i gave “jose” would somehow make their way to his “uncle” who would know how to deal with me-the problem. those fears were very real and planted a seed of doubt that grew deep and took root pretty easily. the only thing for me to do was to try and silence the questions that had begun to plague me.

since i’m such a do-er, i sought hard after work that i could find satisfaction in and where i believed god would approve of me spending my time. even in the midst of my persistent pursuits, god moved. working for vericlaim introduced me to dozens of “good” people and brought me closer to my aunt who selflessly lays her life down each and every day for the will of her Father. god showed up in my life during that time and really spoke to me. he challenged me to open my eyes to his hurting world all around me. i remember distinctly receiving this message, “business men and women need Me too”. i wasn’t at vericlaim to take a break from serving him where i thought he was, amidst the poor. He was there. he had already been working in the hearts and lives of a small group of professionals, and i was so privileged to play a small role in sharing the love and grace of jesus in the lives of my co-workers.

during that season my soul was refreshed and i was reminded of my dream to work with “the least of these” and so began my search again. this time my search landed me a little closer to home: warrenville, il. i began working as an after-school program teacher for warrenville youth & family services, in the town i spent twenty years of my life and working the building where i took gymnastics as a little girl. i rubbed shoulders constantly with familiar faces and people from my childhood. for a girl who dreamed of place far and away, this was a challenge and almost like a joke at times. but, i was speaking spanish, loving kids who were pretty messed up, and developing life-long friendships while working in a christian environment. i wonder if i’ll always think this, but for me it was the hardest job on earth. teachers always talk about never receiving feedback or the return for their labor, and i can attest to this. i dodged furniture thrown at me, painfully listened to long rants of insults from the mouths of ten year olds who had already seen more of “life” than i’d ever care to, and dropped off kids for the night in the darkest and foulest of apartments...hoping they would be back the next day. but in the midst of this pain and chaos there were true moments joy. picking up the boys for church each sunday morning. becoming a stable person in the kids and families lives. partnering with other agencies and schools to bring better opportunities for the kids in warrenville. and those life-changing friendships. odell’s words were a constant anchor for me, he let me struggle with the whys and hows of what we were doing in that hard, hard work, and he was always there to remind me of god’s truth and put a positive spin on whatever. wells and i clicked instantly. she was the friend my heart and soul needed. her voice of reason and truth helped to bring light to the dark corners of my mind. she truly understood me and helped me to wrestle with those constant questions, and still does to this day. and of course, at this point in my story enters a friend from my past.

re-establishing contact with jason in my mid-twenties threw quite the curveball into my established life. i had already reconciled myself to the fact that singleness was likely what god had called me to. i was reading biographies of single women, crusaders for christ, and knew that god would give me all i needed for this life and the next. i was strong, independent and ready to conquer the world. i planned to shortly return to international mission work, looking at my time at quest as mere training for something “bigger and better”. but, spending time with jason re-awakened dreams that i had let die out in my heart- dreams to walk through life with a companion, someone who would grow to know me better than i know myself. dreams to create a family of my own, the closest bonds of earthly relationship. dreams to parent and raise children with someone whose strengths were not my own. was it God’s intention to fulfill these desires, buried deep within my heart, in this life and within my relationship with this man? was i selfish, wrong to want these desires fulfilled? or was i simply human, with human desires that- if i trusted God with them- would continue His work of salvation in my life and draw me even closer in communion with Him.

i struggled to work my mind around the years of questions that seemed to only become more and more complicated as time went by. eventually i knew i would need to rely on my faith to see me through. take a step of faith towards this relationship, for now until forever, or take a step away- for good. three and half years later, i am more of my faith-decision today than ever before. when i open my eyes to the hand of God in my life, i see how- for me- a marriage relationship can glorify Him. don’t get me wrong. there have been moments of pain, agony really, over the decision to give of myself selflessly and completely to the needs of this man and the work of building a companionship. there have been even more moments of incredible pleasure and enjoyment as we, the two, are learning to become one. but what i see clearly now, as i am looking for meaning in the past decade and direction for the next, is that in the same way i chose to commit my forever to jason, God has chosen to use this relationship to widen my perspective of Himself, to lavish HIs love upon me in ways never before imagined, and to challenge my mind, my heart and my actions to always seeking first the heart and the ways of God. thanks be to Him.

today i am thirty. i live in the murder capital of the world. i teach the wealthiest kids in the country- soon to be leaders of this hurting and crumbling nation. and i walk past nameless faces in despair on the way to the corner store. i have strived in the past year to develop relationships of trust and mutual benefit with other international teachers, privileged hondurans, and the few poor, working hondurans we lived in close proximity with. i hope i don’t always remember my time this way, but for now, the relationships hurt. as soon as i feel progress is being made, disappointment sets in. i feel forgotten, left out and violated. we have been lied to, stolen from and judged on countless occasions. my efforts to love have been mis-understood and taken advantage of. i can feel the seed of bitterness taking root. doubt has crept back into the crevices of my mind. who was i to think that my small insignificant life, my thankless job and my naive desires to live amidst a forgotten people would ever make a difference? is this really a life lived in pursuit of God? do my efforts count for anything? am i glorifying Him in my words, deeds and lifestyle? honestly, the only answer i can come up with is no. but, what can i expect from people? aren’t i just the same? don’t i leave God out of my own life more often than not? don’t i misinterpret His ways as mistakes or unjust. haven’t i forgotten to first love Him, forsaking all else?

so now what? a decade of striving to live a life worthy of His gospel and to discover His true calling in my life, and where does that leave me? still striving. i just finished reading one thousand gifts, by ann voskamp. through her own personal and challenging circumstances, she tells her story of how she has wrestled with similar questions. how was her small, insignificant life as a farmer’s wife ever going to please and honor God? as i journeyed with her my mind was enlightened to see God’s desires for me differently. has He ever really called me to “do”? i have been “doing” so many things, both with the intention of quieting the questions in my mind and to offer my life in sacrifice to His work. but, have i completely missed what He wants of me? i have been seeking a full life here, but have somehow mistaken that fullness to be accomplishments, things, stuff. the fullness of God cannot be measured by what we do, for ourselves or for HIm. no the fullness of God is demonstrated in the life of Christ during His very short time here.

He lived in constant and ever-present communion with God. communion that was not broken. “remain in Me and I will remain in you” (john 15). the message that inspired me to die to my own desires years ago and will forever remain a visual reminder for me upon my finger. yet, do i remain? i see the example of Jesus remaining in communion with the Father and i recognize my own shortcomings. remaining requires something more than doing, than actions done for the sake of God. or intentions to bring justice to others. or sacrificial, service that leads to disappointment and despair. no, the act of remaining in Him is the better calling. remaining is the birthplace of wisdom. of understanding and accepting one's role as a child of God. remaining is the foundation of love. of giving and receiving love for and from others. remaining is the beginning of grace-filled communion. of constant relationship with God. He truly is all around me. He is in Honduras. in my career as a teacher. He is in my friendships, my family. He is in my relationship with Jason. in my unborn child. He is ever-present in the world surrounding me, waiting to be seen, waiting to be blessed and waiting to invited to remain in me.

so, where does this leave me for the next ten years to come? my questions are still there. how, specifically, do i live a life fully enlivened by the work of Christ in me and for the benefit of those around me? i am discovering that maybe that question will always be with me. maybe God desires that question to be my constant companion, ever spurring me on in righteousness and faith. one thing i can be sure of, though. wherever i am and with whomever i am, the call of God upon my life is to remain always in Him. recognizing His hand of grace. communicating my need for His presence. glorifying Him with my words of gratitude, of thanksgiving.

ann voskamp writes, “communion with God, what was broken in the Garden, that is wholly restored when I want the God-communion more that I want the world-consumption. What that first and catastrophic sin of ingratitude ruptured, what that one bite of the forbidden fruit stole from those fully alive- union- can be repaired by exact inverse of the Garden: lifestyle gratitude and a willingness to eat of the bread He gives in this moment. How badly do I want to return to perfect Paradise, walk with God in the cool of the evening, be fully alive?

1 Thessalonians 5:18 calls me to more than belief in God, we’re called to live in God. opening our lives for Christ to enter in, to remain. in my communion with God, i am called to die to self and to live with in Him. where do i start? i think the starting place is in a lifestyle of thanksgiving. recognizing God as the one true Giver, and rejoicing in anything and all that He gives. naming His presence in the small things, and expecting His hand in the big. remaining in constant communication with Him throughout the moments of joy and trial. looking for His hand to uphold, protect and to guide. communion is work, but the the work of communion produces gratitude and joy. this is the full life that God would have for each of us. how can i offer my life, as a pleasing and holy sacrifice? live it fully in the presence of He who is the giver and rejoice fully in all that He gives.