returning...

my faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave. my faith is like shifting sand. so i stand on Grace.

a lifetime ago, while driving to sing on the worship team at church, the words of this caedmon's call song resonated throughout the car. today it reminds me of the countless times i have felt hopeless, weak in my faith. this morning, as i sat serenaded by the crashing Caribbean waves, i thought back to the many seasons my faith suffered. my need for acceptance, but not finding it. my need to understand past and present disappoints, and if they'll work themselves out in the future. my heart broken, mended, depleted and broken once again. as i gazed into the vast and mysterious waters, i couldn't help but wonder. who am i in this? am i the seashells. broken by the long, arduous journey. yet still full of wonder and excitement for any who has the privilege of discovery. am i the birds, gracefully riding the gentle currents, content to just be. until the tide rolls in and thwarts their peace. they're off in no time, flying swiftly to escape danger, or even simple discomfort as a little water soaks its feathers. or, am i the sand? seamless co-existence with the waves. refined to smooth, tiny granules throughout the dance of wave after crashing wave. finally, the shore arrives, and the sand settles in to place, at times to bake in the warmth of the Sun, yet other times as well-trodden ground for the passerby. who am I?

in my absence from blogging, i have been reflecting much on the patterns and themes that continue to work themselves out in my life. this isn't the time or place to discuss in detail where i've been. this has been a season of lowest lows. if my past does anything well for me, it reminds me that on the other side of the low, He is there. actually, i know theologically, He is always there. my thoughts deceive, and my feelings cause doubt and fear to take over. but my heart knows He is there. so...i plan on returning.

returning to times of quiet, when i can hear the words He speaks only to me. returning to places of humility, where He wants to refine and purify the deepest parts of my heart. returning to hope which stands against the circumstances which threaten to destroy it. returning to gratitude, which i believe speaks honor and worship to His name. returning to the Light, so that my life can to shine the love of God to the world around me. i am returning to Grace.