2 in 2012

moving to honduras has been one of the most challenging decisions i have ever made. only second to moving here with my "new" husband, as we are trying to figure out who we are as a couple and who we are as individuals in the unifying bond of marriage. there have been moments i have felt so emotionally low this year, that if presented with a one-way ticket home, I would have snatched it up, stopped what i was doing, and sprinted to the airport without any hesitation or glances back. today is different though. jason and i have officially decided to return to honduras in august of 2012 for a second year of teaching and counseling. the road to this decision has been uncertain, but with a lot of thought, prayer, advice and listening to our hearts, we feel confident that God is working in us and through us according to His good purposes. and so, we stay.

there are probably more reasons to leave and return home for good in june, rather than to stay. to this i'd say, reasons aren't everything. sure we live in the most dangerous country in the world (according to international crime statistics from december 2011), and to top that, san pedro sula (our city), has the highest murder rate in honduras. we have heard so many say, "why am i teaching here", and we've thought the same. we can make a lot more money in the same job most anywhere else in the world, so why stay for another year? the streets are dirty, the infrastructures collapsing, systems failing, and boy can it get HOT! i don't have answers to those questions, and i'm okay with that. if my best friend or younger sister were contemplating the exact same decision, i would most certainly and emphatically tell her to pack her bags immediately and get on the first flight back to o'hare! so if that's what you're thinking, i can't blame you, i'd think the same thing in your shoes.

since i can't really refute the many reasons to leave honduras, i'll attempt to convey what's in our heart, which has prompted us to stay. somewhere along our christmas travels, and sometime in between Costa Rica and Nicaragua, our hearts towards honduras changed. ever so gradually, so that we didn't realize what was happening. but on december 30, tired after two weeks of carrying our backpacks from hostel to hostel, begging for a bed to sleep in, i turned to jason and said, "i'm ready to go home". to which he replied, "uh.. sure.. yeah.. i guess we can home. you have a job, and i can always start looking for a job....." i couldn't believe it, until i heard his stammered reply, but i was ready to go home, home to honduras.

i've posted before about "home". since my parents moved several years ago, i've moved nearly every year to a new "home", be it apartment or the blue room at mama's. in those transitional years, home stopped symbolizing a physical place, instead, it became more of a state of being. there are a few very special places to me in my life, which have been home to me in one way or another. but during this trip, i realized that there's so much truth to that kitschy phrase, "home is where your heart is". no, i'm not saying all my heart is in honduras, don't worry :) but over time, honduras- both the place and the people- have become "home" for me and jason. we longed to return to casa 56 b, where we could sleep in a warm, clean bed and take a shower. we were excited to hear our friends stories from their travels. we couldn't wait to reunite with angel and adolfo, our guards, who were praying for us and care so well for our needs here. today, after my first day back, i remember how much i enjoy my students and look forward to another semester of learning together. (this realization didn't come quite so quickly, for obvious reasons).

we have tried to make this decision without comparing "home" and honduras too much, or putting too much weight into my series of pro/con lists ;)... rather, we sought God and asked Him to direct our steps and work in our hearts to know how to act in a way pleasing to Him. i don't necessarily believe one decision is the "right" or most God-honoring decision, but that's how we tried to pray. we know from scripture that if we delight in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37). I have struggled for years now, how to make decisions that honor God, but I'll always remember the wisdom Thomas spoke to me while living with his family in Brasil. He told me life was so much bigger than our "calling" as we perceive it. The greatest calling God has given us to love Him with all of our heart and worship Him with all the days of our life. The "where" and the "how" don't hold as much importance as I place upon them. So, as we've attempted to live and work here in Honduras, we've again and again had to center our purpose on that truth. How am I loving God and worshipping Him alone today? For now, we believe in our hearts that here in Honduras we are loving God in our personal lives and in our relationships with others. We pray that the ways that we interact with our neighbors, friends, students and help would be in a manner that's worshipful to Him.

we find rest in our decision, confidence in our unity of minds and hearts, and hope in the months and year to come. please pray for our spirit, that when we are discouraged we would turn to God to satisfy our desires and meet our deepest needs. we love you and miss you all. june can't come soon enough...

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8