Our little light, Ilona Noelle, was born Saturday, December 8th at 2:45 in the afternoon, by an emergency cesarean section. She was born healthy and strong in her 39th week of gestation, weighing 7 pounds 10 ounces, measuring 22 inches long. Although her delivery was not what we had hoped for, she is a complete answer to countless prayers and a miracle from God. Here’s her story...
A little bit of history
In my heart, her story begins long ago. Growing up in a large family, it was rare for a year to go by without a baby being born. I learned at a very young age how to relate with and care for small children and babies thanks to my younger sisters and dozens of cousins. In my professional choices, I have almost always worked with kids; whether by coaching swim teams, nannying or eventually teaching, I have surrounded myself with kids, other people’s kids. My heart grew in love for the kids I worked with, yet I always dreamed of what it would be like to love a child of my own someday. Literally, I have loved hundreds of other people’s kids, knowing full well that I was up for the challenge. I have desired the opportunity to be a mother for as long as I can remember.
Not many people even know this, but as soon as I was in high school I began having irregularities with hormone levels and all that goes along with that. I began seeing specialists at the age of 15 to ensure that I was healthy and to see if anything could be done to regulate my abnormalities. Those years were frustrating and mostly unfruitful. That’s when I began hearing the suggestion that maybe I wouldn’t be able to have children of my own. This is when the story of Sarah and Abraham really came alive to me. Not only do we share a name, but we potentially shared the same sad fate. For years I wondered, was this story written for me? Eventually I learned that worry would not calm any of my fears, and so I re-read the story again and again from a new perspective. God always provides. The circumstances in which he provided Isaac were inconceivable. Not to mention, Sarah and Abraham’s surprise when he chose to spare Issac on the mount of Moriah. He provided a way to redeem Israel, his chosen people through Abraham and Sarah’s descendents, which all began with Isaac, a miracle babe. Fully trusting in God’s provisions alone is a challenge in life’s small details, and even more when it comes to the deepest desires of one’s heart. But, we have living proof in the story of Abraham and Sarah, that God does indeed hear our hearts and wants to satisfy our longings with good things, things from above which He alone can provide.
The biggest surprise of our life together
That’s a snapshot of my history, longing for the opportunity to mother a child. And now Ilona’s story begins last spring, mid-April when we learned the impossible had become real. We were pregnant, genuinely surprised and deeply elated. I remember my mind spinning with the possibilities. We decided right away, that we wanted to relive that incredible feeling of complete surprise and would not learn of our baby’s gender until his/her birth. Today, I am so glad for that decision. Ilona’s birth was all the more sacred for us as we chose to let go of the control of knowing and planning and deciding every future detail, and instead just fully enjoying each unique moment of pregnancy in hopeful anticipation of who was to come. We also decided, largely due to the uncertainty we felt in my body’s ability to carry a baby to term that we wouldn’t share the news with anyone until we finished the first trimester. We also wanted to the look of joyful shock on our family’s and friends’ faces as we announced the news. So it was decided, we would never learn what our baby’s gender was and no one else would learn of her until we returned home in June. Those 8 weeks felt like the longest 8 weeks of my life. I have never been great at keeping secrets, yet I was tasked to hold on to the biggest secret of my life. I still can’t believe we pulled it off.
the moment we found out the news!
our final minutes holding onto the biggest secret of our lives
sharing the joy with our families. we're holding plums because she was the size of a plum at 12 weeks, clearly.
The beginning days of pregnancy
During our first ultrasound at 8 weeks, and about 2 weeks after learning we were pregnant, the reality of our situation began to set it. We were so fortunate to be able to be seen by the best OB/GYN in all of Honduras, LITERALLY, and one who has decades of experience with high-risk pregnancies. Due to my thyroid disease and unresolved hormone issues, Dr. Bueso was going to be extra thorough with his observations and more regular with my check-ups. This definitely put my mind at ease, especially as we were navigating this brand new experience practically alone, and in a foreign country. It was during that first ultrasound that we saw the first of what I’m going to remember now as a “yellow flag”. We discovered several decent sized blood clots in my uterus, which depending on how they advanced, or didn’t advance, could be potentially life-threatening for our baby. He assured me that there was nothing I could do, or should have done differently, that this is quite common in the beginning and could go one of two ways. We would just have to wait and see. His words comforted me slightly, although over the course of the next couple of weeks as we waited for another appointment, my mind began the “worst case scenario” trail. Were we going to be able to see this pregnancy through? Thankfully, we didn’t have to wait too, too long and at our next appointment he noted that the blog clots had “disappeared”, they had reabsorbed themselves into my uterus and were no longer threatening to our baby. Praises to God alone!
ready for my first ultrasound and to hear our little's one heartbeat
From check up to check up I was monitored quite closely; everything appeared normal and healthy. She was growing well and I remained very healthy, only having to deal with two infections throughout the entire pregnancy. With how many health concerns I have, each appointment brought us relief as everything was going “more than fine” (a Dr. Bueso-ism”) :)
growth from month to month
34 weeks: preterm labor
As you know, at 34 weeks I went into pre-term labor, having strong contractions and the baby fully engaging in the delivery position. I was immediately assigned to bed rest and some muscle relaxers, in hopes to still the uterus from contracting and buying us at least a few days. The longer she stayed in the womb, the better. That week on bed rest passed incredibly slowly as I counted each and every contraction, watching for them to weaken and spread out. They did. Again, all we could do was thank God for protecting our little baby and knowing just what to do. We certainly didn’t :) For several weeks then, I went back to life as normal, working, exercising a little and getting into serious nesting mode. We deep cleaned our apartment on a weekly basis. I cooked three large meals to freeze, “just in case”. We packed our bags, prepped the nursery and bought diapers in bulk. We were ready! But she didn’t come as quickly as we expected...
The early stages of labor
One month later, on Wednesday night, November 28th I felt the same strong contractions as before, only this time, they were joined by sharp pains in my lower back. I felt my body doing some pretty crazy changes, and after calling my mom, she predicted I was in the early stages of labor. The only way I felt relief was by sitting on an exercise/labor ball. Which I did for hours that night. I was able to get a few hours of sleep and woke up feeling much the same. We were counting contractions and they were five minutes apart, same as last night. Since nothing seemed to have progressed, I decided to go into work. We were on a very tight maternity leave schedule, and the more days I could work the better! The morning was fine, I was sore and tired, but able to do my job well enough. Then about half-way through the day I felt a sudden urge to use the restroom, and discovered that my water broke, well more like trickled a little bit (or so I thought). The game was on! I calmly asked one of my students to go find Mr. Redelman and let him know that I had a question right now. I didn’t want to worry my students, and most of them didn’t notice anything different. Only a few perceptive girls picked up on what was going on, to which they demanded my errand runner, “apurate...apurate!” (hurry! hurry!) We quickly laid out my previously written sub plans for the remainder of the week, gathered my things, and left in a hurry. We called Dr. Bueso on the way and had time to stop at home and put on some dry clothes and grab out hospital gear. We called our parents and joyfully shared the news that our little one was coming soon!
laboring...
our dress rehearsal rush to the hospital
At Dr. Bueso’s office (my choice... I was so nervous I wanted to start there, and if need be, continue on to the hospital down the hall after he checked me), he hooked me up the fetal heart rate monitor and began monitoring the baby. Her heart rate was strong, as always, and he noted the contractions, still five minutes apart. We were going to have a baby today or tomorrow, he said! He decided to do an ultrasound to determine how dilated I was, instead of an internal exam. “Introduce the hand, you might as well introduce the foot”, he said. We really appreciated his careful and minimally invasive approach. To all of our surprise, the contractions hadn’t caused any dilation to occur, and unlike the last time I was in labor, she was head down, but in the posterior (face up) position. Also, he measured my amniotic fluid levels and found the levels to be in the normal range, implying maybe my water hadn’t broken, or at least not completely. Upon learning this, we were all a little confused. All the signs pointed towards delivery soon. He asked us if we’d like to be induced, naturally or with potossin, to which we replied that we’d like to keep waiting. She was still 2 1/2 weeks early and we had our hearts set on a completely natural birth, determined by what the baby needed and when she needed it. He agreed that was the best approach and said it would likely be only a matter of days. He asked us to stay in contact with him each morning and night, paying close attention to the baby’s movement, the frequency and intensity of my contractions and whether or not the water continued to leak. I decided not to go back to work the next day, Friday, since my contractions stayed strong and close together. We were sure she was coming soon!
The waiting game
Fast forward one and half weeks, and everything stayed pretty much the same. With each passing day, I noticed the contractions weakening, until I was so unaware of them I forgot to be tracking. I went back to work on Monday and worked a full week. We had a check up scheduled for Monday and Friday of that week. The Monday check up didn’t reveal anything new. Dr. Bueso did express slight concern that physically something in body wasn’t allowing her to engage and open my cervix. We wanted to continue waiting, and he said we had until the end of the week, but if the contractions continued without dilation, he would need to intervene somehow. We weren’t comfortable with or excited by that whatsoever, so we tried every (I mean EVERY) at home induction remedy...details withheld for your best interest. :) As I woke up each morning during that long, confusing week, I felt more and more discouraged. I started to doubt she would ever come and even wondered if maybe we should have taken Dr. Bueso up on his offer to induce. Friday came and went, with nothing to report. We had to reschedule of appointment since he had an emergency surgery, so we counted ourselves lucky, thinking it bought us another weekend of waiting- the way we wanted labor to go. We had a Christmas party that night (Friday, December 7th), and we danced late into the night. Everyone thought we/I was crazy, but what else could we do. We tried to keep life as normal as possible, keeping our minds off things and relaxed, and keeping my body as active as possible. All techniques we had learned through our natural child-birthing class. We went to bed, for the last time as a family of two!
EIS Christmas party... our last night as a family of two
The morning that changed our lives
Saturday morning began in my most favorite way...homemade breakfast in bed! Jason cooked eggs and bacon... my favorite! After a delicious and relaxing breakfast, I started to get ready for the day. That’s when I realized I was bleeding. This caused an immediate alarm since I hadn’t bled once during my pregnancy. We called Dr. Bueso right away, and rushed to his office so he could check the baby. We had felt her move quite a bit that morning, and so we didn’t suspect an emergency, yet. We got to his office by 10:00 and while at his office, she was monitored once again via FHM, and this time it revealed a problem with the placenta. Also, the Ultrasound showed what Dr. Bueso described as a “tear” in my placenta, which was caused the bleeding. She was still not engaged, and remained in the posterior position from a week before. Dr. Bueso was incredible in the minutes that followed. He carefully and thoughtfully let us know that we couldn’t wait any longer. We had given her every opportunity to deliver naturally, and at this point, with the new information he had, we couldn’t be allowed to wait more than a couple of hours. Her safety and my safety were his number one concern at this point. I cried. A lot. We spent the next half an hour in his office, me sobbing and him and Jason trying to comfort me. I wondered so much. Had I failed somehow? Is this really happening? Is this the only way? Could we trust him? What does he mean our safety was his number one concern? Were we in danger? Logically I had answers to many of these questions already, but emotionally, the answers we far from me. Before committing to the Cesarean Section, I snuck out in the hallway to call my mom. After explaining what Dr. Bueso had said, without hesitation she urged me to comply with his advice. My mother, one of the most natural women I know, was telling me to go ahead with the surgery... that it was the best thing for me. I was stunned. The next hour was a blur. We rushed home... I took a shower, cried a lot, packed up the car and asked our friend Lisa to take us to the hospital. Surgery was imminent, and I was scared. Very scared. Also, I felt deep grief and disappointment. This was NOT the story we had worked, hoped and prayed for.
The dreaded c-section
They began prepping me for surgery at 1:00 and Ilona Noelle was born at 2:45. It was by far the most emotional two hours of my life. To prepare me, they stripped me of everything... earings, nail polish (hands and toes!), chapstick and they even tried to get me to take out my contacts. Sorry mom, but I lied and said I had already removed them. I was not going to look at my baby for the first time with fuzzy vision! At first, the nurses who wheeled me into the operating room were not going to let Jason come back. We had a doctor’s order which said he was allowed in the room, but the official hospital director was not in to approve and “stamp” (Honduras’ answer for everything) the order. I was belligerent at that point. I demanded they stop moving me to surgery and said I most certainly would not be having this surgery without my husband. They looked back and forth at each other, before rushing Jason off to change. Thank you God. I remember telling Jason, “I wonder for how long I will regret this day and our decision”, before I was wheeled into that sterile room. By the time they transferred me to the operating table Dr. Bueso had showed up, just in time for the anesthesiologist to administer the epidural. I was crying very hard at this point, very scared, needing Jason by my side and still feeling devastated by what was happening all around me. I was not ready. Dr. Bueso immediately grabbed my hands in his, knelt by head and comforted me until Jason arrived. He reminded me that our baby was coming soon, that I and they were doing everything they could to bring her to us safely and not to worry...he was in control and would take care of me. I realized in those few intimate moments together that I had grown to really love Dr. Bueso. And, that I trusted him. I trusted him completely with my life and the life of our baby. With Jason holding my head and Dr. Bueso comforting me, I was able to calm down and control myself a little better. There were so many doctors and nurses in the room, I just watched them all, interacting so casually and happily, so Honduran, and busy each doing something to get ready. Our pediatrician was also in the room and Dr. Hawit shared something very helpful with me. I was very scared because I knew Dr. Bueso was ready to cut, but I could still feel sensations in my body. Dr. Hawit assured me that was normal, I would feel a lot of movement, like waves, but I wouldn’t feel any pain. By the time Dr. Bueso began, I felt just as Dr. Hawit had predicted. The sensations were very strange. It was a lot of pressure. Very deep pressure in my abdomen, and like he said, I felt a lot of movement. The surgery took a lot longer than I expected, and I began to feel very uncomfortable. I remember making sighing noises as I was trying to relax myself with deep breaths, and was warned to stop talking since it was cause me to feel nauseous and potentially vomit. They knew just what to say to keep my quiet. After what felt like an eternity I heard the most beautiful sound.
prepping for surgery...thankfully lisa was there with me while jason filled out seemingly hundreds of forms
meeting Ilona
Our little light
Ilona came into the world kicking and screaming, and so we knew right away our baby was safe. Sweet Jason needed to be urged to leave my side and go to her, which I was glad for. I had dreamed of what it would feel like to hold her close to me immediately after she was born, but Jason was allowed the privilege instead. If not me, than of course, him. It was good. I heard Dr. Hawit asking him if he’d like to cut her cord, and he cautiously performed the ceremonial right of fatherhood. Then, she was brought close to me face, so I could take a quick glance at our little treasure. I was filled with so much emotion, I’m still not quite sure how to express it all. I was full. My heart was so full of joy. All I could do was stare at her and sob. After all that work and months of preparing for her, she was finally here. I wasn’t surprised at all when Dr. Bueso told us she was a girl, on some level I just knew. We did feel a sense of loss at saying goodbye in our hearts to the son we had equally prepared ourselves for, but our sweet Ilona left her mark on our hearts instantaneously. She was ours and we were hers. Our family of three, which we had planted long ago and sowed each day with love, had finally blossomed into this beautiful little girl. What more could we ask for?
Recovery and some startling news
Recovery was frustrating since I was separated from both Jason and Ilona. In the moment I didn’t understand why, and so felt very disappointed. The nurse in charge of my recovery would not listen to my requests to see either one, and so I asked another nurse passing by to find my husband. Thankfully, she heard the desperation in my new mother’s voice and quickly called for Jason. When he came to me he was frantic, not knowing where Ilona was. He was told that he would just need to wait and then we’d all be together. He was hoping that wherever she was, I was too, since he kept asking the nurses to let me try and feed her. When he saw we were also separated he went into “father bear” mode instantly in search for our daughter. It took him a little while, but eventually he found Dr. Bueso who could circumvent the hospital protocol for us and bring Jason to Ilona. He found her being fed a bottle of sugar water, devastated he demanded they bring Ilona to me. This request broke all kinds of hospital protocol, but I think they had all had enough of the crazy gringo couple and their many demands. With the help of a saint of a nurse, Alba, we were able to help Ilona start eating right away. Thankfully she took to nursing right away. Those moments together, just the three of us (and Alba) :) were precious. Just what I imagined our first bonding time would be like. The sensation of being able to meet Ilona’s needs is unlike anything else I have experienced. She is so utterly dependent on me and Jason and it’s our complete hearts’ desire to satisfy her needs.
Our stay in the hospital was such a blessing. We had the kindest nurses caring for me and for Ilona. Jason was able to take a break from his constant post of caring for me, which he manned so willingly for the past several months. He said countless times how nice it was to not have to worry about cleaning or cooking for a few days. All we had to do was take it all in. We had plenty of time to talk and dream of our new possibilities as a family. We watched her constantly, looking for her to make a new face and open up her beautiful, big blue eyes. We couldn’t have asked for a better recovery.
During those days we also had time to ask some hard questions about what really was going on in those final days of labor. Dr. Bueso shared the details of my surgery with us, after we were settled and ready to hear more of what was going on. The reason I was bleeding was because the “small tear” in the placenta, which he referenced the morning of surgery after my last ultrasound, was actually a 10% tear, leaving a large hole in the placenta...about the size of a chocolate chip cookie. I remember him showing me both the placenta with the hole, and then the missing chunk after surgery. This tear/hole was irreparable and would have only increased had I remained in labor any longer. This would have continued to cause significant blood loss, delayed only because in addition to all the internal blood clots I also had a hematoma which blocked some of the blood of leaving my body. He said it was the perfect of circumstances to keep me safe. I had already lost so much that he was very hesitant to release me to recovery, and performed a couple of different blood exams immediately post surgery. One was the “protime” test, which I failed initially, indicating serious complications. Eventually they were able to get the bleeding under control and he was confident I would recover well. Hearing this was shocking. Of course I did a bit of research, and turns out that placenta abruption, when the placenta detaches from the uterus, occurs in 1% of pregnancies and is usually due to one of the following conditions: cocaine use in the mother, consuming more than 14 alcoholic beverages weekly, being 35 or older, carrying multiple babies, problems with the baby’s umbilical cord or sustaining an injury to the abdomen. It turns out that her umbilical cord was significantly shorter than it needed to be, at only 30 cm long (the average cord is 50-60 cm long). Placenta abruption causes significant bleeding in the mother, not always externally, and growth problems, premature birth or even still birth in the baby. Placenta abruption has very high mortality rates for both the mother and the baby. What likely happened is that in attempting to engage, she pulled so hard on the cord that it caused the placenta to partially detach. Since the cord was so short, she would likely never be able to engage completely, and if she did, a vaginal birth would have been life-threatening. When you put all of those factors together, it’s clear God was at work that Saturday morning. I am so grateful for the sign of bleeding to alert me that something was not right. I am so grateful that we were in Honduras, where we were forced into having a hospital birth. Had we been home and able to follow through with our home/water birth plan, our story would have had a much different ending. I am grateful for the wisdom that Dr. Bueso had throughout my pregnancy and the care he took to treat me individually, not just another number. Ilona is nothing short of a miracle baby. It’s absolutely incredible that she was born healthy and that I was kept safe throughout the process. By the time surgery began she was already showing signs of distress from the placenta abruption; we later found out she had only minutes to be born safely. This news was very overwhelming to hear, and is still a daily reminder of God’s hand throughout this entire pregnancy. It’s always been comforting to know that God “knows the number of hairs on our head”, but even more now in light of what could have been. When I feel scared and tempted to go down the “what if” trail, I have to stop myself quickly. Nothing good will come from my worry. Every time I look at Ilona I am reminded of God’s goodness and faithfulness to me. It’s all about grace, really. Did I deserve a healthy pregnancy? Did I deserve to get pregnant at all? What have I done to earn this incredible gift in Ilona? No, no and nothing. Because of His great love for me, and for no other reason, did God choose to bless. From the depths of His grace I have received the most wonderful gifts. First, a relationship with his son, Jesus, and now the chance to build a relationship with my daughter. Grace is unexplainable. Grace is overwhelming. Grace is more than we’ll ever need.
Growing as a family of three
God promises countless times through the poet David in the book of Psalms to satisfy our desires with good things. This indeed is good. We were created for such a time as this. Becoming a mother has and continues to transform me. I have been given the greatest earthly gift. Taking care of Ilona is now my greatest joy and honor. Even more, doing so with the love and support of a faithful and equally committed husband is more than I could have hoped for. Jason is a natural and completely capable father. He is tender and compassionate with Ilona already. He finds fulfillment in the moments when only he can soothe and comfort her. He has quickly become the expert in diapering and swaddling. I could watch him and his daughter all day. The love that pours from his eyes is incomparable. Someone recently joked to me, “you’re no longer the only woman in your husband’s eyes”. That statement couldn’t be any more accurate or comforting for me. I love that Jason has taken to Ilona so quickly and cherishes her above all else. we are so grateful for these four weeks together of nothing. well not really nothing, we have a lot of paperwork to file for her, but other than that, it's just the three of us for four weeks. that in and of itself is another gift. we realize it's very uncommon to have extended time all together for bonding, and so we're planning to use these next few weeks just for that. bonding as a family of three and learning how to love Ilona Noelle in all the ways she needs. We are blessed beyond belief and are so happy to share our joy with you!
Merry Christmas and Thanks be to God alone for the countless gifts He gives!
ps- here's a sample of some of our first moments with Ilona
